Locks

Lauren was 9 years old. Her mother had just announced that her and her father were having a couple over for dinner. Just some of their friends from work or something, who knew. Lauren didn’t like this. Whenever her parent’s friends were around, it was like Lauren didn’t exist. She usually got banished to her room to study after dinner. Lauren had to hold back an eye roll when her mother told her. She didn’t like it when her parents told her to go away, the adults were talking. Why couldn’t she talk with them? She was big enough to understand them. Well, some of what they said. She just wanted her parents to pay attention to her instead of their friends. Besides, they had friends over almost every other night. They would let Lauren eat dinner with them. They would gush about her good grades, and once the conversation got boring it was always the same. “Lauren, honey, be a good girl and go study your math. The big people are going to talk about big people things.” Lauren noticed her parents always got louder when she left, and they always walked funny later in the evening. But she was obedient. She would always go into her room, making sure to leave the door unlocked. She wanted desperately for someone to come say hi to her. Maybe to even invite her to come join them. To talk about big people things. She was smart enough to understand it, right? She wanted to taste the water that made her parents get loud. Why wasn’t she allowed to be with them? Why did they forget about her on nights like this? So she sat in her room staring at the doorknob, waiting for that moment when it would turn and someone would tell her to join them. She didn’t study. She didn’t try to do anything else. She would sit on her bed and just watch and listen, wondering why she was being ignored.

Lauren was 14 years old. She was beginning to show signs of becoming a teenager. She found herself acting angsty and annoying sometimes, without even realizing it. She didn’t mean to act that way. Sometimes words just came out of her mouth and she couldn’t stop it. Or she would slam a door in anger, just before opening it to apologize. Dan came over a lot these days. He was in high school, something she would enter in the fall. Whenever he showed up, her parents fawned over him like he was some kind of a god. Lauren liked spending time with him alone, but when her parents were involved it was unbearable. It was like she didn’t exist. When Dan showed up for dinner one night, Lauren knew how it would go. She looked at him with a glare as he looked back with a smile. He always smiled at her. He always tried to spend time with her. She didn’t know why, he was older than her and she wasn’t any fun. But she liked seeing him to. Outside of her house, of course. She secretly wished he would just stop coming over when her parents were home. It was always the same. They would all sit down for dinner. Lauren would listen to the three of them talk. About school, about grades, about possible career choices, about colleges. Dan had known since he was young that he wanted to be a lawyer, like his grandfather. Lauren didn’t know what she wanted to be, but put on a happy face as she agreed. “Yes, I want to be a lawyer. It’s my biggest dream.” Or, her parent’s biggest dream. Dan on the other hand, he was positive. And his parents loved that about him. He was so great. He was the best. He was the perfect child they never had. Lauren hated it. So even though she tried as hard as she could, there would sometimes come a point where she would just stand up with her plate and walk away. “I’m going to my room while you guys talk.” She would say. Dan would usually offer to come with her. He would stand up from his chair eagerly. He would flash that smile at her, look at her with an expression she didn’t understand. “No, you guys have fun” She would lie, wanting him to follow her, to make her feel better. She would go to her room, making sure the door was unlocked. She would stare at it a she finished her food. Waiting for someone to come ask her to come back. To tell her they could talk about something else. About sports or art or anything except school and grades. She waited for Dan to come and apologize for ignoring her while he answered her parents questions for the millionth time. She would stare at the door knob, listening to their muffled voices. But no one ever came.

Lauren was 17 years old. Her first boyfriend had just broken up with her. She was devastated. She walked the mile from her school to her house, trying to keep from crying and messing up her make up. She wore this stupid make up for him. She had never worn make up until they started going out. She wanted to be pretty for him. They had been together for almost a year, a rarity in high school. She had given him everything. Every part of her. He was her first boyfriend, after all. And she thought she had loved him. She knew she loved him. But now it was over, and she didn’t know what to do. She walked into her empty house as she let out a sob. “Mom.” She cried as she walked into the living room. She wiped her eyes with her hands, no longer caring if her make up smeared. “Mom!” She cried again, walking through the kitchen and towards the bathroom. Nothing. It was like she was alone. Completely alone. She walked towards the window facing their backyard. Nothing. She ran upstairs, feeling like she might die at any moment. “Mom! Please be home,please be home. Mom I need you.” She said, her words barely comprehensible. Nothing. Her parents didn’t tell her they were going out tonight, they rarely did. She ran to their house phone and dialed her mom’s cell number. Ring. Ring. Ring. “Hello, you’ve reached Rachel Baer…” Lauren hit the end button and sat the phone back down. She took a deep breath, and another, and another. The tears stopped, for now at least. She walked slowly to the front door and unlocked it, secretly hoping Dan would stop by. Or that her parents would come home and wouldn’t have to waste the extra three seconds it took to unlock the door. She just needed her mom. Lauren sat on the couch in the living room. The tv was on but she wasn’t watching. She felt numb. He had broken up with her because she was needy. Clingy. That’s what he said. She smothered him. A year together, and that was his excuse. She sat alone for an hour, just thinking about what she did wrong. Maybe she was too needy. Too clingy. Maybe she did talk about herself too much. She did. It was her fault. Not his. Another hour passed. And another. Midnight rolled around and Lauren was alone. No one had come through the door. No one had called. She hadn’t bothered trying to get a hold of her mom again. Lauren turned the tv off and walked to her room. She left the door open. She never did that. She hoped that her mother would notice and come to see if anything was wrong.
Lauren’s mother never found out about Lauren’s first heartbreak. Lauren didn’t even feel like it was worth it any more to tell her.

Lauren was 21 years old. She was dead. She didn’t know how much time had passed between her death and her arriving here… in this.. this place. But she was dreaming. She had to have been dreaming. But no matter how many times she pinched herself, no matter how long she cried, she didn’t wake up. She must have drank too much. That’s why she was having this nightmare. That’s why it was lasting so long. She was drunk. She went home. She fell asleep. And the nightmares began. This is why she didn’t drink. She knew it would be bad. The nightmare began with her just kind of.. landing here. Appearing. She wasn’t really sure. She just opened her eyes and she was here. It was like two nightmares combined in one. The first part was terrible. Absolutely terrible. Dan… the alley.. her screaming.. no, it was a terrible nightmare. And this second part, she was alone. There were other people here, but she didn’t know anyone. No one spoke to her. Except for one girl. A girl who told her the most outrageous lie Lauren had ever heard. “You’re dead. This is Purgatory.” Lauren became dizzy at that point as she shook her head ans stumbled away. She cried and cried as she walked. She didn’t know how she ended up in this building, this little apartment building. It was empty. She was empty. She didn’t know how long she sat there on the floor with her knees up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. But she never stopped crying. Never stopped looking at the door. Too scared to go out and ask for help, too terrified to even move. She sat there and looked at the door, waiting for someone to come in. To ask her what was wrong. Hours might have passed. Days, even. Hell, maybe it was only a couple of minutes. But no one came. No one heard her cries, or no one cared. She didn’t know. But the tears eventually ran out. Her body began to ache. She couldn’t wake up. She didn’t know when she decided that it wasn’t a dream, but the realization hit her like a train. The door was unlocked. No one came in. She was alone. Maybe she didn’t exist. Maybe that’s why no one came. Maybe she was invisible, or silent. Maybe this dream land fucked everything up and isolated you from everyone else. But she couldn’t go out there. Not now. She didn’t even know where she was. So she sat. No more crying. She laid down, hugging herself as she watched the doorknob. Nothing. No one. More time passed. She didn’t even know what time was anymore. She was broken. She was violated. She was scared. But sleep eventually overcame her.
She woke up in the same place as before. No. No, this wasn’t right. She should have woken up at home. The first thing she thought of was to see if anyone had found her. No.. the door was still shut. Still unlocked, open to anyone. Anyone to find her. Anyone to hear her. She didn’t care who. She just wanted to be found. To be cared for. For once in her life, why couldn’t someone just sympathize and come looking for her. She sat up slowly, thoughts racing through her head. As tears began streaming down her face once again, she stood up. She looked at the door, begging it to open. She couldn’t stand it. She couldn’t breath. She screamed. She grabbed her hair and pulled. She hit herself. She ran forward and began beating on the door. After a while she calmed down. It was no use. Still alone. Still fucking alone. She was so lost. So, so fucking lost. And so alone. She wiped her eyes and smoothed her hair before opening the door. She walked outside, the sunlight blinding her. She couldn’t even think. She wondered if she was still drunk. The last thing she remembered was being drunk. And.. and Dan… She wondered if he had brought her here. She remembered.. him… and being drunk.. and.. and.. Oh god. No. No. No. Lauren’s breathing quickened and her legs began to shake. She saw a sign down the street. A bar. That must have been the bar she was at last night! A wave of hope ran through her as she walked towards it. Nothing looked familiar. But this had to be the explanation. She just got drunk, and fell asleep outside. That was it. She got to the bar and walked inside. She looked around. It was empty except for the man behind the counter. This wasn’t the bar. It didn’t look anything like the one she remembered. Lauren bit the inside of her lip until it bled, trying to figure out what to do. She walked towards the bar stools and sat down. Anything. She needed anything to make her feel better. “Can I get.. uh..something strong. Something really, really, strong.” She said quietly to the man. He looked at her with a sad face as he sat a shot glass in front of her, filling it was a clear liquid. The rest was history.

That night, Lauren left the door of that apartment unlocked. She slept there on the ground. When she woke up she went to the bar. Then apartment. Waiting for someone to find her. Bar. Apartment. Repeat. Eventually she met people. She figured out that yes, she was dead. She remembered exactly how she died. She got furniture. She drank. She left the door unlocked. Waiting. Always waiting for someone to find her, to care enough to barge right in, demanding to know why she was so sad. But like life, death could never give her this.

1 note

posted 1 month ago

#journal